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Book Tells You Where Your Marriage Stands

Author: Affection Can Make, Keep Marriages Strong

UPDATED: 11:59 am EDT June 13, 2008

Jim and Mary, who have been married for six years, have mostly happy days. They say that getting to this place in their marriage has taken hard work.

"There has to be a willingness to give and take, to compromise," said Jim, 27, a sales manager. "It's not all about me or all about her. It's about us."

Jim and Mary’s relationship has experienced tough times, like most marriages, but they believe they are soul mates. They said they are committed to each other for the good and bad times.

Jim and Mary asked that we change their names, because they said their marriage is a sensitive topic.

According to Rita DeMaria, author of "The 7 Stages of Marriage, " there are phases that all marriages go through.

The book provides “marriage education” for dealing with the difficulties and joys of marriage. "Marriage education is like a vaccine” to keep a relationship healthy, she said.

The stages discussed by DeMaria go in an evolutionary pattern:

  • Passion (before marriage and up to 2 years after) -- The romantic honeymoon period in which mates are the only thing that matter to each other.
  • Realization (1 to 3 years) -- The passion fades and couples begin to discover each others' true selves.
  • Rebellion (2 to 5 years) -- The most volatile period, when each person yearns for a return to freedom and asserts his or her own self-interest.
  • Cooperation (3 to 15 years) -- The longest period, when children and increased domestic responsibilities transform lovers into business partners.
  • Reunion (12 to 20 years) -- The "empty nest" period after the busy years.
  • Explosion (any time) – When illness, job loss and family crises happen, altering a marriage for months, even years.
  • Completion (25 years or more) -- A thoroughly joyful culmination of a life together.
  • Cooperation Without Kids

    Although Mary and Jim do not have any children, they believe that their marriage is in the cooperation stage; DeMaria said that it is very likely that it is.

    Jim and Mary, who are Jehovah's Witnesses, said that their faith plays an integral role in them getting through difficult times.

    "When you don't want to compromise, prayer makes you realize you should," Mary said.

    Jim added, "When I know I'm right, and she knows she is right, I try to think about it from her point of view."

    Toughest Times

    The realization and rebellion stage can be the most difficult periods in a marriage. In fact DeMaria said that 75 percent of divorces occur when couples are in the rebellion stage.

    Mary agrees that the realization and rebellion stages were the toughest times in her marriage.

    "You have a person on a pedestal, and there is excitement and everything is fun and then you get hurt and you are like 'Oh, this person hurt me' and you realize that this is an imperfect person," Mary said.

    After five years of marriage, she said she continues to believe that she is meant to be with Jim.

    "I feel like we have a respect for each other," she said. "I accept him for who he is."

    Even though Mary and Jim said they are in the cooperation stage, they believe that there continues to be a lot of passion in their relationship.

    "I cuddle. Send text messages," said Mary about what she tries to do every day to keep her marriage exciting. "I tell him I love him and kiss him."

    What Is Your Stage?

    In the book, DeMaria provides exercises to help couples determine their stage and steps to make a marriage more happy and fulfilling.

    She said that, typically, people are eager to take the quizzes.

    "They want to know what stage they are in and what's normal," DeMaria said.

    She added that the "the joys and issues of marriage are distinct at each stage and need to be handled in ways appropriate” to that stage.

    For example, an exercise for splitting house chores is suggested during the realization stage, and a 15-minute outing for new parents is suggested during the cooperation stage.

    In the book, DeMaria writes that her book is not a "relationship-repair book … Rather, it is a road map to greater happiness, no matter what stage you are in and not matter how blissful or melancholy your relationship is today."

    The exercises are rooted in being affectionate and kind to each other, she said.

    “Those are the things we stop doing,” she said.

    DeMaria added that if couples show more affection and kindness, no matter what stage, it will have an overall positive affect on the marriage.

    “We really need to have affection and a sense of closeness,” she said. “It’s not just a physical need, it is an emotional need.”

    She added that it is important to view marriage as a journey.

    "Appreciating your marriage as an incredible, inevitable journey will help you see the good in your partner, your relationship and yourself during the most difficult moments," DeMaria writes.

    If couples make it through those difficult times, a good marriage will bring about an abundance of happiness.

    A couple who wants a strong relationship can start by determining the stage in which their marriage is in and peppering everything that is done in the marriage with affection and kindness.

    If this is done, DeMaria says, a marriage will provide “everything you need for long-term happiness: love, hope, laughter, security, purpose, friendship, intimacy and care.”

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