Dearest Mother Nature,
Hey boo. I’m sure you’ve been getting a lot of these letters lately, because in case you hadn’t noticed, Spring has begun, but not yet sprung. Are you a fan of winter or something? Because lately it sure seems like it. I don’t mean to criticize those who like snow and cold, but it has its time and place, those being winter and north of us. I write you today on behalf of our faithful viewers to express to you our distaste of your decision to delay the start of spring.
I along with many of our viewers have been cursing your name lately, and we have some major bones to pick with you, so consider this a full-sized human skeleton. Many of us can cite example after example of times you wronged us, so here are a few of mine. That time you snowed out my 8th birthday party in late October. A foot of snow fell that caused all the power to go out for a week. Really?! That was cold. Literally. And that other time when you rained out my outdoor college graduation ceremony? That actually makes for a funny story as a meteorologist, so I suppose I’ll let that one slide. Then there are those countless Downtowns Alive, Musics on Main and Block Parties, where you tease us with sunshine, and then surprise us with rain.
But hey, I think we’ve put that all behind us (OR HAVE WE?!), so I say it’s time to turn over a new leaf, a much greener leaf, to give us a fresh new beginning. I mean that’s what Spring is for after all, right? If you keep sticking us with more winter, then you’ll just end up with more complaints in your inbox, or suggestion box. I feel like as a certified meteorologist I should know this, but I’m not sure how it works up there. Either way, it’s a win-win for the both of us if you do the right thing and match up the weather with the calendar.
Let’s see to it that only limited (I know you’re not a miracle worker) outdoor concerts and sporting events get an unfortunate visit from you.
So, what do you say we bury the hatchet, and do brunch sometime? Maybe outside? Not that there’s anything YOU can do about it or anything (HAHA!)
Kidding aside, I and those whose names appear below formally request, nay, petition, that you take it upon yourself to terminate the winter season and initiate Spring.
Yours Sincerely AND respectfully (can’t emphasize that enough),
Benjamin (middle name omitted) Dorenbach
P.S. 1st round of bloody marys is on me, which I assure you is not a form of bribery.